please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
