ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I could make wine with my vomit
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
