I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
