her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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