dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
