I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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