no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
