You're completely useless in the revolution.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
