I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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