Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
