He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
