i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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