Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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