she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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