i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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