She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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