I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
