you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
