anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
