Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
