Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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