I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
