Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
just tell him i said nine months
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
