My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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