This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
