I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
