I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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