I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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