allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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