she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
