Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
