he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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