My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
