I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
