Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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