she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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