kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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