She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
