I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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