If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
