You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Swine flu. Run for my life!
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
