I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just gargled with NyQuil
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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