This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
