the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
