i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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