The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
