So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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