a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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