She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
