You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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