Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
