I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
