why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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